Your divorce is official.
You've experienced emotions like grief, hurt, anger, frustration, and maybe relief.
You're thinking about re-entering the dating world.
It’s been years. Maybe decades.
You're experiencing many emotions.
I know.
I've been there.
That's why I put together this ultimate guide to dating after divorce. I hope the following tips for dating after divorce will ease some of those unsettling emotions and fuel your hope for a better future.
Let’s jump in.
Before jumping into the dating pool, take time to heal from your divorce. This is crucial to move forward in a healthy way. Do the inner work. Grieve any losses. Deal with the anger. Leave the past in the past. This prepares your heart to trust again.
You might need to grieve
Reflect on what you learned during your marriage and divorce. This is important for 2 reasons. First, self-reflection helps you better understand your needs, wants, and boundaries for future relationships. Self-reflection is also important to help you see your role in the breakdown of your marriage. You don’t want to carry those patterns and behaviors into your next relationship.
Some questions to ask yourself include:
Date because you “want” to date, not because you “need” to date. When you date because you “need” to date, you date out of a deficit. It’s difficult to establish a healthy relationship of give and take when dating out of a deficit. This can lead to compromising on your non-negotiables, causing you to begin and/or stay in a relationship that’s not good for you.
When you date because you “want” to, you don’t need another to make you feel adequate. You feel adequate regardless of your dating life.
This provides you with the freedom and confidence to take your time and casually date potential partners without becoming overly dependent on another for your self-worth. This also frees you up to develop a healthy intimacy with another. It’s hard to have healthy intimacy when you’re overly dependent on another for your self-worth.
4. Be honest about your past, present, & future
Don’t mislead others about your life, your age, your appearance, your kids, or what you want in a partner. It’s unwise to begin a potential relationship with lies. The truth will eventually come out and it will negatively affect your trustworthiness.
Healthy intimacy depends on honesty. Practicing honesty about one’s reality, feelings, divorce experience, and expectations for new relationships builds a foundation of trust and mutual respect.
5. Discover new ways to meet people
You might think, “How do I find a partner after divorce?” You’re not the only one asking this.
Online dating is a great way to meet new people, but it’s not the only way. Be open to new experiences.
Some online dating apps to test out include:
It’s unwise to jump immediately into a serious relationship before taking some time to test the dating waters. Casual dating is the best way to do this.
Casual dating is the practice of going on first or second dates with several different people. These kinds of dates are a great time to learn more about yourself and more about what you want and don’t want in a relationship.
Casual dating also gives you the time you need to process the emotions and questions that will arise when you date.
7. Wait to introduce a new partner to your kids
When dating after divorce with kids, don’t rush to introduce a new partner. Your divorce was difficult for you; it was even more difficult for your kids.
Tell your kids that you’re dating. Once you are exclusively dating someone, occasionally mention that person to your kids. But,don’t introduce them to a potential partner until you are serious about that person. Six months of dating someone is a general rule of thumb, but each situation is different. Make sure your kids feel heard throughout the process. If they aren’t ready, give them the time and space they need.
Once you introduce your partner, take it slowly. Your partner doesn’t need to be around all the time in the early stages. Your kids aren’t ready for that. They will want and need time with just you.
Don’t settle. Be clear with yourself about what you are looking for. Pick 3-5 things you want in a partner and don’t deviate from this list. This is about character, not appearance.
Non-negotiables aren’t for casual dates. They are a filter for helping you decide if a casual date has the potential for a serious relationship.
It’s important to create your list of non-negotiables before you end up in a serious relationship. This prevents you from becoming serious with someone who isn’t a good fit for you.
Here are a few questions to help you determine your non-negotiables:
9. Judge character by actions, not words
“Actions speak louder than words.”
This adage is just as applicable to the dating world as anywhere else.
Words are not the best indicator of someone’s character. Talk is cheap (apparently there are a lot of old sayings about this truth!). Actions are the best indicator of someone’s character. Listen to words, but most importantly, watch actions.
Don’t excuse poor behavior. Call it for what it is. When someone’s words don’t line up with their actions, cut your losses and get out.
Seek support from friends, family, or professionals, especially if you're feeling overwhelmed.
Family and friends can provide a safe space to talk about your feelings of fear, anxiety, guilt, and insecurity. They can also be an excellent source of wisdom and feedback on potential partners.
If you feel stuck, a therapist or coach can help you with 3 important tasks:
Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Be prepared for highs and lows, and remember that each experience is a learning opportunity. Finding a compatible partner will take time.
It's important to let go of the idealized expectations of the Hollywood love story. Embrace the truth that every relationship takes work because every relationship has its challenges.
The goal of dating is to find a relationship that is worth fighting for.
Humans are drawn to the familiar. This is a good thing if you grew up in a loving home, surrounded by healthy relationships. However, if you were raised in a dysfunctional home, you may be drawn to similar dysfunction in others.
For example, if you grew up in a home with little emotional intimacy, you may seek out people who have a hard time connecting emotionally. Why? Because it’s familiar to you.
Look back at your significant relationships. What do those people have in common? Are there any patterns you notice? Are you choosing a similar kind of person? If so, what can you change so you don’t keep doing the same thing?
13. Don’t confuse relational sparks with love
Sparks aren’t always a sign of a love connection. It's common to think that relational sparks are a sign of a strong connection. The idea is that these sparks lead to a fire.
While it’s true that sparks lead to a fire, it could end up being a raging, out-of-control fire that consumes both you and your partner. Sparks are sometimes a sign that you are triggered by something that is both familiar and unhealthy. Sparks can also indicate lust. Be careful of relying solely on “chemistry.”
Just because there aren’t sparks on the first or second date doesn’t mean that someone isn’t a potential option. Remember that love is ultimately a commitment to another, regardless of one’s fickle emotions.
Everyone can use communication practice. Use the dating process to strengthen your communication skills.
Be clear about your boundaries, wants, and needs. If someone can’t honor these, they aren’t worth your time. The inability to hear and honor another’s boundaries is a sign of an unhealthy person. It is also the sign of a narcissist.
Don’t avoid conflict. In and of itself, conflict is not a bad thing. Conflict in relationships will either be a doorway to greater intimacy or a barrier to intimacy. It’s what we do with conflict that makes all the difference. Practice your conflict resolution skills to foster greater intimacy.
Unfortunately, not everyone has good intentions. There are scammers, liars, and losers out there who care only about themselves. Therefore, it’s important to practice safe dating.
Some safe dating practices include:
Red flags are red for a reason: they are a warning of danger that lies ahead. If someone says or does something unacceptable, see it as a warning and exit the relationship.
Some red flags might include:
17. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship when it has run its course
Don’t stay in a relationship you know is going nowhere. Get out while it's still relatively easy. The longer you stay, the more intertwined you become with another, and the more difficult it is to leave.
Also, don’t stay because you’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. It will be much less painful for your partner now than it will be in the future.
Now You Know the Tips for Dating After Divorce
As you finish reading through these tips for dating after divorce, you might feel a mixture of excitement, hope, and fear.
That’s OK.
Let these emotions be a reminder to transform these tips into action.
Look for opportunities to put these tips into practice. Like any skill, healthy dating takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
You will feel more confident. You’ll be more content. You will become a better communicator. You will have a clear vision of what kind of partner you want.
And you will be that much closer to finding the love of your life.